I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them
I liked memes before they were on Instagram
I will go into survival mode if tickled
When I’m on my death bed, I want my final words to be “I left one million dollars in the…”
Sometimes one middle finger isn’t enough to let someone know how you feel. That's why you have two hands.
I’m in desperate need of a 6-month vacation. Twice a year.
The road to success is always under construction
I’m not smart. I just wear glasses.
I love the term “partners”. Are we dating? Are we robbing a bank? Do we run a legal firm? Who knows man
If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
Whenever I have a problem, I just sing, then I realize my voice is worse than my problem
I wonder what happens when the doctors’ wife eats an apple a day…
I always dream of being a millionaire like my uncle… he is dreaming too
I’m so poor that I can’t pay attention in class
I shouldn't be allowed to go on Instagram, Snapchat and or Facebook when I’m drunk.
Be strong, I whispered to my WiFi signal.
I wasn't mad, but now that you asked me 7 times if I'm mad.. yes, I'm mad!
Exercise? I thought you said extra fries!
That moment when you spell a word so wrong, even auto-correct is like "I've got nothing man."
Paper cut: A tree's final moment of revenge.
Waiting until the movie starts to eat your popcorn, hardest thing in the world.
Yesterday I did nothing and today I'm finishing what I did yesterday.
That moment when there's a spider on you, and you suddenly turn into a black belt karate master.